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Friday, December 30, 2011

2012 and the resolutions

Well, wow 2011 is rapidly coming to an end and what do we have to show for it? WELL.....
1. We have the new farm/ranch which came with some wonderful neighbors.
2. We have seen our Goat herd increase and decrease but we are still thriving.
3. We have survived losses, both physically and emotionally.
4. We have moved closer to the end of school.
5. Life's lessons have been hard and scary, as the upcoming changes in life will show.
For 2012 I pray that we can move forward and start anew. I have heard many people talk about having a calling, a need or desire to do something for no rational reason at all and honestly I have brushed it off and thought to myself "yeah right, the only reason you are doing this is to prove you can or to shock everyone", But here goes, I have a pull to change my life for what I hope to be the better. I will be graduting in May and will begin looking for a job shortly there after. This job search was originally limited to our local area, however I have an urge to look outside of our state. Yes, I want a change but this need/calling has been growing for the last few months, yet I have fought and resisted it. Then tonight while mom and I were sitting here talking I mentioned the need to start over and she looked at me with the straightest face and said she was still feeling the pull to NC, which is strangely enough where I have been dreaming of, thinking of, being pulled to.
I do not know what will happen, I do not know why it will happen, all I do know is that this change is needed and if I do not follow through with it nothing will ever satisfy me until I do.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

The count down may be starting over.


We have made it to December, almost a whole year without Nana. I knew the pain would abait but the emptiness would continue for awhile. As we approach the 1 year anniversary of her passing, I am once again struck with the pain of loss.
My dad has been fighting lung Cancer since September of 2010. This battle was going great until October of this year. He had a set back that resulted in the Dr's preforming some more testing, the results of this testing were not good. The Cancer has moved into his brain. Today we are at an impass in life. The joy of asking God to welcome him back home and the pain of our loss here on earth.
There are so many things I could say right now, but the biggest would be "God, please take this pain from my family and open your arms to him so that his pain may stop. Please, Lord do not make him to suffer anymore than he already has. Dad has lived a long and full life, and although we would love to have more time to spend with him here on earth, please Lord I pray that your will be done as you see fit."
This pain is enormous as you see I lost my Daddy to lung cancer 13 years ago, and to watch my Sister and Brother go through this has opened old wounds and brought the pain forward again, 10 fold. I know that God has a plan and a reason for everything that he does, but to see this man, who has only been a part of my life for the past 13 years, in fact 13 years ago this month is when I found the man I proud to call my dad.
Let me start over, I am one of the lucky ones to have had a Daddy and a Dad. My Daddy was the man whose name I carried growing up, who chose me as his child, raised me as his own and loved me unconditionally for 19 years that he and momma were married before the cancer took him. The year he died I gave birth to my oldest child, who subsequently had some major health issues that required me to locate my natural father. We have since built a relationship that has grown through the years.
Right now I just want to scream, yell and hit things. I want to fall off the wagon, I want to crawl into a bottle from the pain I feel of losing both my Daddy and now my Dad. I am once again angery but I am not for once angery with God, for I know now that he does all things for a reason no matter what we might think or what we might feel needs to happen. I know that Dad is in the Lords hands now and will soon be wrapped in his arms and welcomed by those who have gone before him into our lord and saviors home. I am comforted by the thought that these 2 great men in my life will finally meet, and all I can pray is that I have made them both proud.
I can't help but feeling like I never said it enough, which I know I didn't because we didn't have that type of relationship. But Dad, I love you and will miss you deeply but I am comforted in the knowledge that I will see you again in the home of our Lord.
This song truely reflects the relationship that my Dad and I have/had.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Earthquake!!!

OK so last night about 1/8 of a mile from my house we had a 2.7 earthquake. I know that is not very big to some of you but to us Texans it is huge!!! Especially being that close to my house.
Out of curiosity and the fact that I firmly believe that these earthquakes that we have been seeing in an increase number in our region of the United States are a direct result of the Fracking that has been going on I decided to do some research. Now please note that this is just preliminary research and what I could find rapidly on-line but I will be digging further into this to see exactly how right I and several others are in the belief.
We do have a couple of good size fault lines running through Texas, for the most part they have been inactive for a really long time, estimates vary from 15-20 million years from what I read. I know the USGS has increase seismic testing in the Tarrant, Dallas, and Johnson county areas over the last year so if the faults are becoming active again we will at least have some early knowledge of it. Now that being said, I have one thing to say: before they started all of this drilling/fracking there had been about 50 small seismic reports from 1996-2006 since the drilling or fracking has started we have had almost the same amount in a 2 year span and if you look at the concentration on the USGS maps most of the seismic activity has been centered around major drilling operations. country wide we have also experienced a jump of 4000+ from 2009 to 2010 (when most of the drilling increased)

Monday, November 28, 2011

Thankfulness

24 years ago tonight we lost one of the greatest men I have ever known. My papa passed away. I have often sat and wondered what my life, and others in our family's lives would have been like had he not left us when he did. Papa, I know you are watching over us all, I would like to think you are sitting around with Nana and Daddy talking about how if you could you would kick all of our asses right about now. Well I am thankful for having grown up with all of ya'lls influences.
This is supposedly the season for being thankful for what you have, for forgiveness and good wishes. As we move into this holiday season I have to say I am thankful for a lot of people, those still in my life who bring me joy and make me feel loved, and those who have chosen to leave my life, either by God's hand or by thier own choice. Those who left by God's hand are missed and still loved, the ones by their own accord I must say thank you to, for without this I woul dnever have known many of the truths that I know today. I would never have known how truely stronge I can be on my own. I am stronge, I am still growing and I am me!!!
I am thankful for the chance to be my children's mother, I am thankful for having the mother that I have, the one who has never given up on me no matter how many times I messed up. I am thankful for being able to raise my children in the way I want to.
There are plenty of things that I could ask forgiveness for, but I have already made amends with the ones that I needed to, I have already asked for God's forgiveness for the times I have strayed and I will not ask for forgiveness to the ones who wronged me for once, I am no longer the one to do the apologizing. I am stronge, I am still growing and I am me!!!
I wish everyone, friend, family and foe alike good will in thier travels and adventures through life. I wish no ill to fall upon those who would wish it upon me as they are the ones who need guidence the most. My life has changed yes, my life will continue to change, I will continue to grow, I will continue to be me and no one will change that.
You can either travel this road beside me or stay behind, however I hope I know the ones that will be traveling with me and the ones that will be staying. I am me, finally I have found me, no longer will I ask who am I, where am I going, where have I been. I know all of this and I know that the only one to change that will be me, through the guidence of God.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Which is Thicker: Blood or water?


Well once again I let it happen, I relied on someone in my blood family to help me and what happened, "oh so and so needs me to come to help them, I'm sorry you don't mind do you?" Well you know what YES I FUCKING MIND!!!! But I didn't say that because I am not the one to rock the boat. All I have to say is I am done. You want me to be there when you need me, you want me to tell you how happy I am for you, You want this, you want that from me, but when I NEED something from you tough fucking shit, some bitch that you have known for less than 6 months calls and you drop everything to go be with her and help her, AND SHE IS NOT EVEN LEGALLY, THROUGH MARRIAGE OR BLOOD, PART OF YOUR FAMILY YET!!!! I have NEVER put a man and his family, especially his family, above you and what you asked. Hell
sometimes, no most times in the last years I have put you and yours before me and mine. That's fine, you have asked me to be open and honest with you so here goes, sit down and buckle up because trust me sista you ain't gonna like what I have to say.
You are a slut; you have slept with more people, men and women, than anyone else I know. You do truly take after your mother on that aspect, and no my nana, yeah MY NANA, is not your mother, I am talking about the one that you call "outhouse" the one that is only good enough for you to associate with when you need something from her. Your daughter is a prissy assed, spoiled little brat who is growing up to be a little slut just like you. Never have I, nor would I let my daughter dress and act like you do. She climbs all over grown men and rubs on them in ways that no 8 year old should and has done this for years. I am no longer comfortable with her around my son or my husband because I cannot live in fear that she will scream sexual assault as she has been taught.
I cannot stand your fiancĂ©. He is a smart mouthed, know it all ass-hole who thinks he is hot shit, well news flash he isn't and NO ONE LIKES HIM!!! At least no one on “this side of the family”,
as you so fondly like to call us. And his little thief of a nephew or cousin, whatever that kid is, needs to stay the hell away from my daughter. But oh wait I don't have to worry about that because my kids aren't good enough anymore to hang out with you and to be part of your "perfect little family"!!!! Well news flash bitch your little slut daughter or daughters as you like to call
them ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY KIDS.
I am done sitting and waiting and hoping that you realize what you are doing. Hell no you are so blind that you can't see it but here goes, HE LOOKS, ACTS AND REMINDS EVERYONE THAT HAS MEET HIM OF JAMES SNOW!!! How’s that for a punch in the gut bitch. Once this is published you can count on one thing, I am done with your sorry ass. We used to be so close, but now you are going around saying shit about me, and listening to shit that people are telling you about me and what I say, well so be it. I am telling you right here, right now GO TO HELL BITCH cause I have been there, and it ain't pretty and you know what just like you weren't there when I needed you for anything over this past year, unless it benefited you, I will NOT be there
for you. In fact you will be lucky to be able to find me or my family because
Bitch I am outta here!!!!!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

It's me, I think

Have you ever taught back on your life and wondered what would have happened if.....
well right now I have come to the conclusion that I would not change anything that has happened to me in the past, for one it's the past, it's time for me to let go, move on and keep my eye on the prize at the end of the race, whatever that may be. I know there are those out there that will not be happy with what I do, but for once I am going to be the one that gets to be happy. I know that in the end not many will be happy with my choices and decisions, but I have to do what I have to do!!!
I graduate in May and from there I go on, where to? I don't know, with who? I am not sure exactly. Things are changing, I can feel it in my bones, and in my heart. Somethings have already changed, while others are slowly changing. There are times when I want to go back to that naive 17 yr old child that walked across that stage almost 20 years ago and tell her to run for the hills!!!! Then there are the days when I wouldn't change a thing because if I did I know that it would be worse than it is now.
There are some people in this world that apparently have to be hit smack in the face before they open their eyes and see what is going on. Well apparently I was one of those. All I can say is foul me once shame on you, foul me twice shame on me but sucker you ain't gonna get a chance to foul me again!!!!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Rick Perry Prays for America

OK so I am going on my soap box again:
Let me see if I have this straight, we as Americans are supposed to be tolerant of other religions as we have declared in OUR Bill of Rights through the First Amendment that all people shall have the freedom of religion, this also created the separation of church and state through the Establishment Clause and the Free Choice Clauses of the First amendment. This being said, and having studied the Constitution in several of my classes, I DO NOT SEE ANYWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION, OR IN THE BILL OF RIGHTS, ANY STATE CONSTITUTIONS OR OTHER AMENDMENTS, SUPREME COURT HEARINGS OR CONGRESSIONAL LAWS, where a politician, political leader, officer of the law, etc is not allow to express and practice his/her personal religious views. Rick Perry did not force a mandatory prayer on anyone, he didn't say that if you don't do this you will be fined (unlike our current president who says that we have to have health insurance or else we will have to pay a penalty on our income taxes).
Yes, I understand that most of us do have a problem with our president being Muslim, I get that, however would we really have a problem with it if we hadn't been so brutally attacked by a radical terrorist group who bases their actions off of the Muslim faith? Would it surprise people to know that one of the greatest presidents in our history did not call himself a christian, nor did he see himself as a religious man? Guess what Abraham Lincoln in fact didn't find Christ until the Battle at Gettysburg!!! Here is another one, Herbert Hoover was a Quaker, oh man I can see the redneck flair up now over a pacifist, who can swear no oath being our president (but then again so was Nixon and we all know how messed up he was ;))
I guess my point is GIVE IT UP!! So what if the Governor of Texas wants to pass out a voluntary invitation to join him in Prayer for OUR country, he didn't hurt you, he didn't make any threats, he didn't down anyone for not being there or for being involved. At this stage in time with the economic crisis's that we are facing, the epidemic unemployment rates, the severed drought conditions and the state of overall general moral in OUR country I am happy to have anyone, no matter what religion pray for us to whatever god, goddess, deity, or false idol they want as long as someone/thing hears us!!!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Just yesterday.....

Where has this summer gone? The new babies are almost ready to be removed from their mothers and it seems like just yesterday they were born. The kids are preparing to return to school, as am I, yet the summer has just begun.
The baby chicks that we had at the begining of the summer have grown and are beginning to lay, slowly but with any luck the egg production will increase as the heat abaites, oh wait this is Texas and they are saying we are in La Nina, again so therefore we will see what happens.
Yes the heat, lets talk about the heat and drought that we are in. Normally I should not have to purchase hay until december but guess what, 8 bails of hay were purchased last week with plans for more this summer

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Moving on

Well we made it through these last 2 days with no major break downs, (at least any that were witnessed). I did have a histerical laughing spell last night after breaking out in an acopelo rendition of "Cat's in the Cradle", my mom kept telling me that if I needed to cry then cry, oh I cried and laughed and scared my son because he thought I was "going to blow" at one time I was laughing so hard.
So today we concentrate on putting up the final posts for the side yard fence and on finishing up the stall in the girls pen and hopefully getting another one or two built. The high today is only supposed to be 97F so we will see how much we can get done because that heat index is another story

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Pain of losses

Today would have been Nana's 80th birthday, and I can't think of anything witty or mushy to say in regards to this day as tomorrow will be the 13th anniversary of my Daddy's death. Through the last 24 years, since Papa's death, I have been through an emotional roller coaster of the phases of grief, never fully making through the entire phase. I used to starve myself because of the depression, then I went through an eating stage. I have dealt with grief in the extreme with uncontrolable outbursts, and then to the other extreme with no outward visable emtions at all. On this, the first birthday of my wonderful Nana, with it coninsiding with the anniversary of Daddy's passing (and yes I do know that this will always be as it always has been) I am not sure how to act. I am keeping a "poker" face with everyine in the house, while my insides are trembling, and crying for Nana was the one that would always hold me on this day when I would lose control. Now I wonder who will hold me, as I lose it tonight and tomorrow. I am tired and want to sleep, yet I know that it is just a mental manifestation of the grief and sorrow that I am feeling. I know that both are in a better place and neither are suffering anymore, therefore I should be happy for them, which I am for them, but yet I am sad for those of us left here.
I sit here and watch my children, oblivious to what day it is, and unknown to what they never had a chance to experiance with Daddy, and wonder what they will most certainly go through when the people they are close to pass away. Oh, they were close to Nana, but I think (or at least hope) that we prepared them for Nana's passing in away that they do not have any regrets. I feel that the chance for them to tell her "goodbye" and that they loved her went along way to help in the healing as I know it did with my Daddy, unlike with Papa whom we never got to tell goodbye.
I will close for know and try to move on with my day.

Monday, June 6, 2011

June is upon us

Wow can you believe that the year is already half over? The kids are out of school, the Babies are growing fast with more on the way, gonna have some late season kids from the looks of it. Been working on the side yard and the "garden" for a couple of days. Put some tomotoes in this weekend, yeah I know kinda late in the season but these are older plants so hopefully they will produce.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Crazy weather

Sat here yesterday and last night watching what appeared to be normal rain clouds move over our are and heading to the North East. By the afternoon many families lives had changed and come the evening many more would change. It has always amazed me how rapidly mother nature can change. I know we laugh here in Texas and say that if you don't like the weather, wait 5 minutes it will change, but this year that old addage has been truer than normal.
I have seen strange weather events around here in my lifetime, from freak sandstorms out of West Texas that make their way all the way to the DFW area, to snow and ice storms in April/early May. I have even lived through many of the wonderful Texas tornados, sometimes passing right over my house, but I would have to say that this storm season as been the worst, most distructive and devestating one that I can remember.
I'll be honest, if the tornado season is this bad, and we are heading into hurricane season, than God help us because we are in for some freaky, messed up weather

Monday, May 23, 2011

As May draws to an end:

Wow looks like an entire month slipped by, ok so almost 2 months, before I was aware of it. Alot of things have been going on around here, from births to moves to the end of the semester, I am not sure where to begin.





OK so we have purchased a new house and land, I won't bore you with the details, just be prepared to see all the pictures soon as we make improvements and get everyone/thing settled. Millie had her babies, Lexi, Le Pew and the smallest Flashy Lassie. I have promised the kids that they can show them in the State Fair this year so we will see how this goes.






I passed the semester and am ready to head into the summer!!! Oh what a summer it shall be, building decks, porches, stalls, barns, and playgrounds, as well as fencing and normal repairs to the Farm.




I know that I am not the most faithful in posting but please bare with me and I will attempt to keep everyone informed.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Well March is upon us (ok so it's half over)

Lets see where do we go from here??? Ok well Millie, my registered doe, is expecting and it looks like twins to triplets again. We purchased a new Doeling at the end of February and also have a new buckling that will be here around the first of April.
We sold the Doelings that were born in December this week, they are delivered to a new loving momma, and surprisingly enough the girls have not been real upset about it. Still have 2 little wethers to find homes for so that is next on the list. Pepe' has lived up to his end of the "let's keep you deal" I wasn't sure I really wanted to keep my own buck, however he as proven that he can help support this mess of a family, He is on his second stud service of multiple does with hopefully more to go.
I am half-way through this spring semester already yet it feels as though we jsut started school. I have to buckle down this weekend and do my homework for Monday however, cause the excuse I didn't have time will not ply when we have had 2 weeks to complete it in.
March came in like a Lion out here so I am hopeing that it will go out like a Lamb. We are preparing for the move and I would just like for it to go as smoothly as possible. One more clich in the system and I might loss my mind!!!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Fast approaching Valentines Day

My friend Jen over at WOW hit the nail on the head with her posting about Valentines Day. I don't have to add a thing to it.

Husbands

Friday, February 4, 2011

The Beginning of February

Well lets see....2 inches of ice, then 4 inches of snow on top of that!!!! And it's Super Bowl week, the kids have been out of school almost a week. I just saw on the news how the news reporters are complaining about our weather this week, I mean really let me see both the teams, and most of the fans are from up north so they should be used to this weather. But let me reinterate this is unusual for TEXAS to have this type of weather!!! Do they think that we can control the weather and just flip a freaking switch and make the sun shine and it be 80 degrees outside? Cause rest assured if we could do that IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE A FEW WEEKS AGO!!!!
I thought after 4 days of being cooped up in the barn that the girls would like to come out and move around abit, HAHAHAHA was I WRONG!!!! After 10 minuted I finally pried the gate out of the ice and opened it up along with the tarp curtain that we used to knock off the wind. They, all 9 of the ones in the barn, walked to the line on the ground between dirt/hay and the ice, looked up at me and seemed to laugh!!! They then turned around and went to the back of the barn. We had 5 chickens escape yesterday and had to chase them back into the coop (which was not a fun endeaver)
Today we let the kids run and play outside in the snow and we decided to take Rhett outside. He is our escape artist, if there is away out of the yard he will find it. He manages to slip his collar and leash of course. Had a good run around the back yard, got PO's that the chickens were not out for him to chase, yet he still wanted to run and gave the kids a good workout trying to catch him. David ended up having to tackle him and lay top of him in the snow until I could get to them and hold Rhett. Poor kid he was covered in snow, I came in and made him some cocoa to warm him up.
I would like to say that I have gotten a bunch of school work done for me but that would be lieing, I have spent alot of time playing on the computer and sleeping. This weekend I will have to buckle down and finish my Forensic Sociology homework and reading for Monday's class. I am so ready for the kids to go back to school, and the funny thing is so are they!!! They are actually bored of playing games, watching TV and spending time with family.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

February 1, first day of the freeze

Ok lets see, I don't think it got over 25 degrees today. Even my goats thought I was crazy today, I tried to let them out and they looked at me like I was insane. Cooped up inside today with the kids, and then bob got sent home early from work!!!! That's ok kinda got productive today, we banded Rocky today, man he is not a happy camper. I should have been working on school work but I just didn't have the brain power to do it. Tomorrow I will buckle down and do some work as well as hopefully working on our room somemore.
It is cold in here as well as outside. First project after the thaw out is to seal these windows!!!! Welp enough for now, gonna go play some games.

Monday, January 31, 2011

1 down 11 more to go

That is how I feel about this year already, I can only pray it gets better. 9 days ago life as I knew it came to an end. My wonderful, loving, mentoring grandmother, Nana, passed away. She had bee sick for the last 4 months, and the Dr's told us that she could live 3 months to 3 years depending on her and how well she followed directions (hahahahaha). About 2 months about she started telling people that the Dr had told her she had 4 months to live. She made it just 7 days shy of that 4 month mark. Nana, you are greatly missed. I have walked around my house in a daze for the last few days trying to decide what I needed to do, no longer are my days filled with caring for her, worring about her, fighting with her to follow orders, and generally laughing and loving. No longer will I walk by her room and just stand there watching her, or hear her arise in the middle of the night because she can't sleep and wants a cup of coffee.
I look up from my end of the table and she is not there in her chair, I start studing and doing school work and can not concentrate because she is not here to interupt me. My life is in shambles and right now I am not sure if or when it will begin again.
I have cried but I cannot break down, I am the strong one of the family. The one ment to stand tall and proud, the one that is ment to hold the rest of my family together, from my ditzy sister to my brainless aunt, from my unwaivering children to my wonderful mother. It is me that has to keep us going, yet there are days when I just want to yell, kick and scream. Sometimes I am so mad at God for taking her from us, and then others I am so thankful that God didn't allow her to suffer anymore than she did.
I cannot sleep at night for my house is to quiet.
This month has been a month of changes here on the ranch. I have sold the 3 doelings, they will go to their new home at the end of February, I still have 2 little wethers that need homes, but I am not as concerned about them (I think my neighbor wants them for lawn mowers, lol). This is proving to be one of my hardest semesters in school, which I knew it would since I am nearing the end of my degree, yet I cannot put my heart into it yet. I am hoping that within the next couple of weeks I will have my head on straight and be moving on.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Me and my soft heart


This is Rocky, he is a 1 day old pygmy/? buckling that we rescued today. His mother died 12 hours after birth because the owners didn't pay attention. After 12 hours with no food he is thriving and a very happy in his little box. I am going to go pick up a playpen for him tomorrow so that he will have more room to move around but for now he is fine since the first couple of days all they do is the same as a human child, eat, sleep and poo.
Have decided that I am going to sell 2 of the little doelings that were born here on the 9th of December. It is going to be hard but if I am going to make a go of this farm than we have to learn to let go of the babies.

Monday, January 3, 2011

The wonders of farm life and animals

Well let's see what a wonderful way to start the New Year off. I have 2 sick goats, the 7 month old nubian has a cold or something of that sorts and one of the babies looks like she has peumonia. I have not only learned how to be a midwife, but also a vet through trial and error. I am so thankful for all the wonderful websites and other goat owners on line who have come to my rescue. Going to try and get some sleep before I have to go back out to the barn and check at 1 am.