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Monday, January 31, 2011

1 down 11 more to go

That is how I feel about this year already, I can only pray it gets better. 9 days ago life as I knew it came to an end. My wonderful, loving, mentoring grandmother, Nana, passed away. She had bee sick for the last 4 months, and the Dr's told us that she could live 3 months to 3 years depending on her and how well she followed directions (hahahahaha). About 2 months about she started telling people that the Dr had told her she had 4 months to live. She made it just 7 days shy of that 4 month mark. Nana, you are greatly missed. I have walked around my house in a daze for the last few days trying to decide what I needed to do, no longer are my days filled with caring for her, worring about her, fighting with her to follow orders, and generally laughing and loving. No longer will I walk by her room and just stand there watching her, or hear her arise in the middle of the night because she can't sleep and wants a cup of coffee.
I look up from my end of the table and she is not there in her chair, I start studing and doing school work and can not concentrate because she is not here to interupt me. My life is in shambles and right now I am not sure if or when it will begin again.
I have cried but I cannot break down, I am the strong one of the family. The one ment to stand tall and proud, the one that is ment to hold the rest of my family together, from my ditzy sister to my brainless aunt, from my unwaivering children to my wonderful mother. It is me that has to keep us going, yet there are days when I just want to yell, kick and scream. Sometimes I am so mad at God for taking her from us, and then others I am so thankful that God didn't allow her to suffer anymore than she did.
I cannot sleep at night for my house is to quiet.
This month has been a month of changes here on the ranch. I have sold the 3 doelings, they will go to their new home at the end of February, I still have 2 little wethers that need homes, but I am not as concerned about them (I think my neighbor wants them for lawn mowers, lol). This is proving to be one of my hardest semesters in school, which I knew it would since I am nearing the end of my degree, yet I cannot put my heart into it yet. I am hoping that within the next couple of weeks I will have my head on straight and be moving on.

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