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Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Pain of losses

Today would have been Nana's 80th birthday, and I can't think of anything witty or mushy to say in regards to this day as tomorrow will be the 13th anniversary of my Daddy's death. Through the last 24 years, since Papa's death, I have been through an emotional roller coaster of the phases of grief, never fully making through the entire phase. I used to starve myself because of the depression, then I went through an eating stage. I have dealt with grief in the extreme with uncontrolable outbursts, and then to the other extreme with no outward visable emtions at all. On this, the first birthday of my wonderful Nana, with it coninsiding with the anniversary of Daddy's passing (and yes I do know that this will always be as it always has been) I am not sure how to act. I am keeping a "poker" face with everyine in the house, while my insides are trembling, and crying for Nana was the one that would always hold me on this day when I would lose control. Now I wonder who will hold me, as I lose it tonight and tomorrow. I am tired and want to sleep, yet I know that it is just a mental manifestation of the grief and sorrow that I am feeling. I know that both are in a better place and neither are suffering anymore, therefore I should be happy for them, which I am for them, but yet I am sad for those of us left here.
I sit here and watch my children, oblivious to what day it is, and unknown to what they never had a chance to experiance with Daddy, and wonder what they will most certainly go through when the people they are close to pass away. Oh, they were close to Nana, but I think (or at least hope) that we prepared them for Nana's passing in away that they do not have any regrets. I feel that the chance for them to tell her "goodbye" and that they loved her went along way to help in the healing as I know it did with my Daddy, unlike with Papa whom we never got to tell goodbye.
I will close for know and try to move on with my day.

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