Thursday, December 29, 2011

The count down may be starting over.

We have made it to December, almost a whole year without Nana. I knew the pain would abait but the emptiness would continue for awhile. As we approach the 1 year anniversary of her passing, I am once again struck with the pain of loss.
My dad has been fighting lung Cancer since September of 2010. This battle was going great until October of this year. He had a set back that resulted in the Dr's preforming some more testing, the results of this testing were not good. The Cancer has moved into his brain. Today we are at an impass in life. The joy of asking God to welcome him back home and the pain of our loss here on earth.
There are so many things I could say right now, but the biggest would be "God, please take this pain from my family and open your arms to him so that his pain may stop. Please, Lord do not make him to suffer anymore than he already has. Dad has lived a long and full life, and although we would love to have more time to spend with him here on earth, please Lord I pray that your will be done as you see fit."
This pain is enormous as you see I lost my Daddy to lung cancer 13 years ago, and to watch my Sister and Brother go through this has opened old wounds and brought the pain forward again, 10 fold. I know that God has a plan and a reason for everything that he does, but to see this man, who has only been a part of my life for the past 13 years, in fact 13 years ago this month is when I found the man I proud to call my dad.
Let me start over, I am one of the lucky ones to have had a Daddy and a Dad. My Daddy was the man whose name I carried growing up, who chose me as his child, raised me as his own and loved me unconditionally for 19 years that he and momma were married before the cancer took him. The year he died I gave birth to my oldest child, who subsequently had some major health issues that required me to locate my natural father. We have since built a relationship that has grown through the years.
Right now I just want to scream, yell and hit things. I want to fall off the wagon, I want to crawl into a bottle from the pain I feel of losing both my Daddy and now my Dad. I am once again angery but I am not for once angery with God, for I know now that he does all things for a reason no matter what we might think or what we might feel needs to happen. I know that Dad is in the Lords hands now and will soon be wrapped in his arms and welcomed by those who have gone before him into our lord and saviors home. I am comforted by the thought that these 2 great men in my life will finally meet, and all I can pray is that I have made them both proud.
I can't help but feeling like I never said it enough, which I know I didn't because we didn't have that type of relationship. But Dad, I love you and will miss you deeply but I am comforted in the knowledge that I will see you again in the home of our Lord.
This song truely reflects the relationship that my Dad and I have/had.


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